At some point in life we are going to encounter the tormenting twos that cause pain no matter how they show up, rejection and abandonment. Rejection and abandonment refer to experiences of being excluded and dismissed. Rejection is the act of refusing to accept, recognize, or give affection to someone. Abandonment is when someone withdraws their presence, support, concern, or help from another. Abandonment also relates to feeling that your needs for care, nurture, and belonging are not being met. These are textbook definitions but there are also the definitions and meaning that we give to them because of our lived experiences. When we have lived experiences with rejection and abandonment they are personal and unique individual experiences. The definition that we give these experiences are the most meaningful ones and the most impactful.
Rejection and abandonment are both feelings and actions. The actions of them cause the feeling of them and with them other emotions and feelings may surface. Some other emotions that may accompany them are fear, loneliness, confusion, anger, sadness, anxiety, depression, numbness, jealousy, devastation, and grief.
We may experience rejection and abandonment in our earlier years of life because of abuse, neglect, and even from being in a family where the parents or caregivers are present but absent because of work or other life demands. We also experience rejection and abandonment due to loss of relationships because of death, divorce, breakups, and changes in how you relate within the relationship. We can experience feelings of rejection when things happen that make us feel replaced, or when we go through life transitions like moving, school or job changes, new friends being introduced into your friend group, friends getting married, being overlooked, fired..etc.
Rejection and abandonment are inevitable parts of life. How we internalize and react to them has significant consequences for our mental health and personal growth. When we experience rejection and abandonment it causes us to begin to question our self-worth, value, and self-image. These experiences can open the door for thoughts like I’m not good enough or there must be something wrong with me. We may begin to develop anxiety about future rejection and abandonment. Thoughts like no one will ever love me or I’ll always be alone or unchosen increase anxiety. These experiences may cause you to begin to shut down and isolate, creating walls to keep people and yourself at a distance. Prolonged and repeated experiences of rejection and abandon can also lead to depression. Rejection and abandonment have a physical impact on us as well. When we feel rejected our brain activates the same regions that process physical pain. Studies show that feelings of rejection are linked to increased susceptibility to illness.
So, how do we face these terrible twos and live forward, healed, healthy, and hopeful. Part of the steps are what I’ve mentioned several times before in other blogs and nuggets, in order to heal and recover we have to have an awareness that pain (rejection and abandonment) has occurred. We have to acknowledge that it’s had an impact on us in some way and we have to give expression to the thoughts, emotions, and feelings that have surfaced because of the experience. While doing these things we need to begin to develop healthy coping skills that build resilience, self-esteem, and strategies that help us reconnect and connect with our worth. The next step is working toward cultivating self compassion by being gentle with ourselves. Come away from self blame, doubt, and hate. Learn to begin to practice radical acceptance which means to accept emotions, thoughts, and circumstances that are unchangeable and out of our control. Take ownership of our part if any and work to make peace with sometimes the rejection and or abandonment was not personal (not about you) even though it was a personal experience. We do this by giving others space to be flawed humans and by giving them space to make their own choices and decisions for their life.
When it comes to reconnecting with our self-worth, it helps to know and understand who is able to give it. The person who makes (creates) or owns is the one who gives worth and value. God is our creator. He made us and then he gave us ownership of ourselves. We have to continually make the decision to agree with our creator about the worth and value he gave us. God said we are good, fearfully and wonderfully made in his image. When something is broken, wounded, or hurt we take it to the creator or one who has specialized in understanding the mindset and intent of the creator (maker) so they can help bring restoration and help with making it as close to the original as possible. When we have experiences with the terrible twos it would benefit us to return to the maker and hear what he has to say about the damage done and how to fix it.
Making self-care a routine is also beneficial and healing with it comes to navigating the outcomes of rejection and abandonment. If you make self-care something that is a regular habit and not just something you do when you feel down you will reap the benefits of it even more. It will help with self connection, self rejuvenation, and meaning making.
Another step in navigating rejection and abandonment is allowing time and distance to take its course and then reflect back with transparency, curiosity, honesty, love, and compassion. Asking ourself questions about possible reasons, and if there is none, continuing to practice radical acceptance. Also reflecting back to see if there was growth or needed and necessary changes in spite of the pain. As you continue to move forward, release and let it go. Making intentional decisions about your life, your goals, and how you want to live. Leaning into your safe people as you do this.
Rejection and abandonment can lead us to places of immense personal growth if we allow it. While the initial pain may feel crushing, if we shift our perspective and take control of our inner narrative, we can use these experiences to become stronger. While the hurt may always be a part of the story, it doesn’t have to define who you are and it doesn’t have to define your future.
Journaling Prompts
- What has been your history with rejection and abandonment? How have you responded to them?
- What is the story that you’ve told yourself about yourself and your experiences with the terrible twos?
- How has rejection and abandonment shaped who you are?
- What is one step you can take toward healing and recovering from rejection and abandonment?
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