When we experience trauma we experience a loss of our sense of self. We may disconnect from who we know ourselves to be. When we enter into a grieving process which is the physical, emotional, and spiritual response to a loss, sometimes it creates a narrative to us about who we no longer are. When we experience trauma and grief it tears at our identity and boundaries. One way to begin to regain a connection with yourself is to begin to reinforce or even begin to establish boundaries. According to Dr. Henry Cloud a boundary tells us who we are and who we are not. A boundary is a real or imagined line that marks the edge or limit of something (Cambridge Dictionary). There are several different ways to break down boundaries but I want you to consider these three: physical, emotional, and spiritual.  A physical boundary is a barrier between two or more areas, people or things. Physical boundaries protect your personal space and properties. Emotional boundaries separate an individual’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors from others. It’s the limits you place around your morals and standards you establish for your interaction with yourself and others. Spiritual boundaries are your right to choose your faith and beliefs. It’s the limits and standards you place on your beliefs and expression of faith. 

Boundaries are important because they protect our well being, lay a foundation for healthy relationships, help to decrease stress, increase confidence, and improve self-worth. Boundaries help us to feel understood and accepted, they help us and others to honor our needs, and they work to protect us against burnout and resentment. Boundaries help us to identify what is and is not ok. 

Here are a few signs that you made need to establish boundaries:

• You have a hard time with or can’t say no
• You take responsibility for things that are not your fault
• You take ownership of things that do not belong to you or you address problems and situations that are not in your power to change or control
• You feel overwhelmed
• You have no time for yourself 

Establishing boundaries isn’t easy, but without it we set ourselves up for  distress and trauma. We have to set and honor boundaries within ourselves first and once we do this we are better equipped to take responsibility for communicating and upholding our boundaries with others. 

Sometimes we need help with identifying when and how to establish boundaries. Here are a few guiding steps to help you get started. 

Identify one area, situation, or person that you need to establish a boundary with and answer the following question:

1. Why is a boundary needed in this situation or with this person
2. Do I know what boundary needs to be set
3. What has kept me from setting this boundary
4. What do I need to help me to set this boundary
5. Am I able to access or get what I need to set this boundary
6. What is the most likely outcome of me setting this boundary
7. Can I live with this outcome
8. Am I ready to take the first step toward setting this boundary, why or why not
9. If you are ready, set a date to take the first step
10. If you are not ready, revisit these questions and identify one thing that will help you walk toward being ready. 
11. Identify a person and system that will help you remain accountable

It is important for you to remember why you are establishing boundaries. Initially it will be difficult but the more you do it the easier it will become and the better you will be for doing it.

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