In life we experience different types of loss that puts us on the journey of grief. One journey of grief that we may experience at some point in life is the loss of our sense of self. Our sense of self is the way we see ourselves after we process our personal identity which is made up of our values, beliefs, personality, physical makeup, and the roles we have in life. In life we will go through experiences that challenge and change this assessment of self. One thing that will cause changes with how we view ourselves and how we connect with our identity is other people’s opinions of us. 

We have all heard and possibly been taught that other people’s opinions of us do not matter and that is not an accurate statement. A more accurate statement would be that not all opinions matter and some opinions matter more than others.  People’s opinions don’t only impact how we see ourselves but their actions or inactions towards us does as well.  To what decree they matter should be based upon the significance and value of the relationship.

In our earlier years of life our caregivers’ actions and opinions about us shape how we grow and develop. Their actions and opinions not only impact how we view ourselves, but they impact how we connect with others and the world around us. As we continue to grow the opinions and actions of other family members, peers, teachers and other people of importance in our life also shape our view of self. We cannot control people’s opinion of us or how they act toward us, but we can control how we respond and move forward with our life. So, the work is not to discount others’ opinions and actions towards us but to learn to respond to them in a healthy way. Knowing which ones should be listened and responded to and which ones should be discarded. This is why it is important to learn to listen and filter the information in a way that helps you navigate the emotional responses that you have and the inner narrative it creates.

We all want to be valued and made to feel important by those around us. We want the judgment of us to be one of respect and admiration. Mark and Debbie Lasser in their book Seven Desires list seven universal desires that they believe God created us with. I believe that it’s these seven desires that cause others’ opinions of us to matter. The seven desires are: to be affirmed, to be heard and understood, to be blessed, to be safe, to be touched, to be chosen and to be included. To be loved is not listed in their list but it is another desire that causes other people’s opinions of us to matter. These desires are not unhealthy ones. When they are fulfilled in a healthy way they increase our confidence, esteem, and worth. They aid in self-connection and connection with others. When these desires go unfulfilled in our life or when these areas are changed or challenged it causes a sense of disconnect with self. This disconnect causes the question of who am I to surface and it causes us to create a negative self-narrative. We become dependent on others’ approval and validation for our self-worth. This can lead to a lack of confidence, self-esteem, and self-respect. It can also cause us to feel like we are not good enough or worthy of love. When we allow others’ opinions to define us, it can cause us to lose sight of who we really are. We become so focused on what they think about us that we forget about our own thoughts and feelings. It can also cause us to lose sight of who God says that we are and who he created us to be. 

When you are navigating a person’s opinion about you and their actions toward you it will be helpful if you keep the following things in mind:

• Who they are to you 
• Who God says you are, your core beliefs, values, and expectations of self  
• What the opinion is and how it lines up with the aforementioned things 
• Is their opinion/actions for their life or is it only a judgment about yours
• Why does the opinion/action matter
• What does it change
• Who are you after you’ve heard the opinion
• Who are you after you’ve witnessed or been impacted by the action

In doing this you will be able to remain connected with who you are and give space for processing your responses and any changes that may have occurred. This may not prevent you from grieving the parts of you that may be lost, or unattained because of the person’s opinions or actions but it will help you to stay in touch with your core self and have a healthy balance as you process the question, who am I now. 

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