Trust is one of the most valuable traits a person can have, making it all the more difficult to regain after it has been broken. Whether it was a betrayal by a loved one, a broken promise, or a violation of one’s boundaries, the process of rebuilding trust can be a challenging and time-consuming one. However, it is a necessary step in building healthy, fulfilling relationships and moving forward with confidence in oneself and others.
Forgiveness and Trust go hand in hand
Something that is connected to rebuilding trust and at times hard to grasp is forgiveness. Without true forgiveness, there can be no trust. Forgiveness is part of the power you need to rebuild trust. When you begin to extend forgiveness, it is for you and not to excuse the behavior that caused the breach.
Part of forgiving is letting go of control. We have a false perception that if we withhold forgiveness, it will somehow make our partner or the person who violated our trust start treating us right or make them more loyal and honest. Unforgiveness does not somehow make them change who they are. It also won’t make them any more willing to be accountable or take responsibility.
Extending forgiveness allows you to open up and begin to deal with the pain and wounding that’s taken place within you. Forgiveness helps you to take the focus off of what they did and place it on what you feel and what you need in order to heal. Forgiveness is about making the conscious decision to release what doesn’t belong to you (fear, insecurities, anxiety, resentment and bitterness), so that it will no longer take hold of and control your soul (mind, will, and emotions).
At times we can’t move forward and be open to trusting others because we have a hard time forgiving and trusting ourselves. It would benefit us to connect with our own humanness. Even though we are made in the image of God we are not perfect. There are going to be times in our lives when we don’t make the right choices, when we make mistakes, and allow things or people in our life who aren’t the best for us. This is a part of life. Forgive yourself for being perfectly imperfect.
Rebuilding Trust
It starts with a choice
Being open to trusting again requires you making a decision to do so. To trust is a choice that has to be made by you and the choice has to come with intentional and consistent work. When you have decided that you want to trust again, you are stepping up with courage to confront fear, and you are leaning into the courage and strength necessary to risk being hurt again.
Acknowledgment
After you’ve made the decision to work at trusting again the first step is acknowledging and expressing the pain and hurt caused by the betrayal. It is important to express one’s emotions and to allow oneself time to process the trauma. Tuning into your emotions and what they are telling you about your experience and unmet needs. This helps you gain an understanding about the impact that the broken trust had on you.
At the same time, it is equally important to avoid letting negative thoughts and emotions take over, as this can hinder progress. Instead, focus on self-reflection and identifying areas where potential growth can occur.
Boundaries
When beginning to rebuild trust, it is important to set clear boundaries and expectations for yourself moving forward. Being real with yourself about your capacity to be open and transparent in relationships. Start out slow and taking small steps. Setting boundaries for how and when you show up in the relationships you have. Being attuned with your emotions will help you know what boundaries are necessary.
Remember that boundaries are not to keep others out but to help you and them know what your limits are. Boundaries are for safety and security not to create isolation and insecurities.
Communication
Honest clear communication is a necessity in rebuilding trust. This may include having honest conversations with the person who has broken your trust and explaining to them what has taken place within you, using I statements. Or this may mean having a conversation with the person with whom you are starting a new relationship with. Communicating with them about the issues you have with trusting. Letting them know that it not necessarily about them, but it something that you need patience and maybe help with. Be vulnerable and open about the issues you are facing.
Space for others, growth, and change
Part of rebuilding trust is allowing space for others to be who they are. Often times, we will use distrust from previous relationships as a dictator of trust in future relationships. This holds us back from experiencing true joy and peace that can be found in the new relationships.
If we decide to remain in a relationship where trust has been broken, we have to give space and time for growth and change. You have to continue to choose love in spite of. This requires you choosing not to hold their past mistakes, and or ignorance against them.
Consistency and Time
Another crucial aspect of rebuilding trust is consistency. Trust is re-built through allowing time for others to show you that they will do what they say they will do, allowing time for others to show you the consistent things about their character, personality, values, and morals.
It takes time to see consistency. Be patient.
Faith
Faith in God is a part of rebuilding trust. Connecting with the truth that God enables us to release those who have hurt us. When we have faith in God, we have the ability to find comfort in his word that says that he is near to the broken hearted. This faith gives us the ability to believe that God can bring restoration to the places within in us that have been wounded by broken trust.
Conclusion
Rebuilding trust after it has been broken is a challenging process, but one that is necessary for personal growth and healthy relationships. It requires acknowledgement, forgiveness, open communication, accountability, and most of all, patience with yourself and others.
Rebuilding trust is difficult but it is not impossible. If you choose to walk toward it you will gain the ability to trust again.
Journaling Prompts
- What are the barriers that prevent you from trusting others?
- What is one area that you can begin to work on to rebuild your ability to trust?
- Have you ever broken someone’s trust? Have you regained it? If so, how?
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