Betrayal

Trauma is anything that disrupts our sense of self and our sense of safety. It is something that disrupts what is familiar and causes an overwhelming impact on us. There are all kinds of experiences and events that can have a traumatic impact on us and betrayal is one. Betrayal is when someone or something you trust violates that trust in a way that feels emotionally painful or damaging to you. It involves acting in a disloyal manner that goes against the expectations of a relationship or situation. Betrayal can be intentional or unintentional. The trauma that comes from betrayal is different from other forms of trauma because it involves not just the experience of betrayal but also the experience of being betrayed by a person of value and significance.

There are many types of betrayal. Below is a list of a few of the common known ones:

Family betrayal- when relatives betray trust through actions like abuse, neglect, manipulation, not showing up or reciprocating love, support, and effort or by revealing information that was meant to be kept confidential.

Romantic betrayal- involves a romantic partner being unfaithful through actions like cheating, lying, or breaking promises. This is one of the most hurtful forms of betrayal.

Friendship betrayal-happens when friends betray trust by sharing personal information that you gave in confidence, turning others against you, or suddenly excluding you from their lives, or acting in hurtful ways that break trust. Friendship betrayal is when the bonds of friendship are violated.

Workplace betrayal- is when colleagues betray trust by undermining you, taking credit for your work, or revealing private conversations. This type of betrayal can also happen when employers overlook you or take advantage of you.

Belief betrayal happens when something you held as a truth becomes a lie. This can happen systematically and relationally.

The experience of betrayal is highly subjective. What feels like a deep betrayal to one person may not seem as hurtful to someone else. It depends on factors like:
The closeness of the relationship
The expectations within the relationship
The degree of deception or disloyalty
The emotional investment in the relationship
The context and history of the relationship
The disruption and changes that come about due to the betrayal

Betrayal can have profound emotional effects. Some of the most common responses include:

Shock. An initial response to betrayal is shock. You go into shock when you are faced with intense information, stressors, and emotions that you are not ready or prepared to deal with. Physical responses may surface with the shock. There may be numbness, dizziness, nausea, muscle tension, crying, increased heart rate, difficulty breathing, difficulty thinking and rationalizing, panic, disassociating and the inability to speak.

Denial. Denial is something that can surface at any time and with any trauma response. Denial is a defense mechanism that may be activated when you are exposed to betrayal. Denial comes into play when we need time to deal with information or behaviors that we’ve been exposed to that overwhelms our minds ability to understand or process. To deny is to not accept, address, or deal with a reality or a consequence of a reality.

Anger. At some point anger begins to set in and rise to the surface. Anger is a normal and natural response to betrayal. Anger normally surfaces when there is an injustice, violation, or painful disruption.

Loss of Trust. One of the most damaging effects of betrayal is a loss of trust. When someone we depend on and believe in lets us down, it can severely damage our ability to trust, both the person who betrayed us as well as others.

Sadness and disappointment. When hopes are dashed and expectations are unmet, it’s natural to feel sadness. Betrayal sadness can range from feeling let down to depressed. This is a normal response as betrayal causes loss and when we lose anything or anyone significant sadness is a normal, natural response. Disappointment sets in because there is a loss of hope, and the expectations of what was to come.

Shame, guilt, and self-blame. When we are betrayed we may begin to internalize and find fault within ourself. We look for answers and the easiest answer is, it must be me, I did something to cause this.

An inability to connect with yourself and others intimately. When we experience betrayal especially if it’s repeated or prolonged experiences we may begin to disconnect and dissociate. We do this as a way to protect ourself from the current pain and it becomes a preventative measure that keeps us from being put at risk of experiencing the pain again.

Anxiety. Betrayal can lead to considerable anxiety due to the loss of stability and security. Fears of more betrayal or worst case scenarios are common. Anxiety may be felt as obsessive rumination, panic attacks, or constant worry.

These are just some common responses to betrayal trauma. Everyone’s situation of betrayal is unique so you may experience some or none of these.

The emotional wounds of betrayal run deep. But we have inner resilience. Understanding these common responses helps us heal and become whole again. By facing betrayal with courage, wisdom, and compassion, we can heal. The process of healing may feel long and difficult however, with care and intention, it is possible to live forward.

Here are some tips for healing after experiencing betrayal.

Accept that an experience of betrayal has happened. This will help if there has been any form of betrayal blindness. Betrayal blindness is failure to see betrayal despite overwhelming evidence. Betrayal blindness is a form of coping used to protect from the intense emotional and mental pain of betrayal. We remain in this place until we are ready to confront the circumstances of betrayal. When we accept and allow ourselves to connect with and feel the experience it gives us the power to be proactive in our healing and recovery. Allowing ourself to feel and express the full range of emotions that arise. Trying to suppress difficult feelings will only prolong the pain. Be gentle and compassionate toward yourself. Come away from harsh self-judgments. Be ok with crying it out. Give your-self permission to have healthy expressions of your emotions and feelings.

Label the emotions that have surfaced because of the betrayal. This will help you have more understanding of your experience which will make it more tolerable. Most times we don’t realize that the emotions we are experiencing are normal responses for the circumstances because we don’t take the time to be present with them and ask if they are appropriate for the circumstances.

Identify your triggers. Triggers are things that come through your five senses that cause you to remember the traumatic events and respond as if you are still experiencing it. Knowing what your triggers are can help you manage your emotions more effectively.

Be open to learning from the experience. The question of why may not always be answered but you can look at your lived experiences and ask yourself what have I learned about myself through this experience. Take time to gently reflect, looking for signs, misinterpretations, things denied, avoided, overlooked, and also be honest about what you’ve learned about others and life through this experience. Being careful to not let the pain and trauma of the betrayal distort truth and reality. This may be an area where you seek professional help if the information learned or narrative created when reflecting is one of complete negativity, lack of trust, fear, and pain.

Identify what is important to you. Answer the question who am I now and who do I want to be. Affirm yourself by connecting with the good and strong parts of you and accepting if necessary the parts of you that need work and commit to taking the necessary steps to bring about the change that is needed.

Set healthy boundaries to protect your healing journey. Be mindful of who you allow in this space with you. Be mindful of what you allow yourself to see, hear, and experience as these will all touch the wound within you that betrayal has caused.

Keep releasing, expressing, and accepting as you go. Don’t allow yourself to agree with the negative accusations that rise against you. Work to overcome anger, bitterness, and resentment by finding your place of peace in God and finding a place of gratitude. Connect with and accept what is in and out of your control.

The path to overcoming betrayal isn’t linear or easy, but it is possible. Be patient and kind with yourself through the process. It does take time to heal but if you keep doing these steps over and over, being intentional about what you do with your time, the healing will come.

Journaling Prompts:
1. What do I need most to recover from this experience of betrayal
2. What is in my control and out of my control regarding this betrayal
3. What could I have done differently, do I have any regrets and if what so are the steps I need to take to forgive myself
4. What fears have surfaced because of this betrayal and what do I need to do to release them