Grieving Self: Tips for grieving who you once were.

Loss of Self

In previous blogs we have discussed our view of  self. In those blogs our view of self was defined as the way we see ourselves after we process our personal identity which is made up of our values, beliefs, personality, physical makeup, and the roles we have in life.  

Throughout life many things will challenge and change how we view ourselves. Things like graduations, moves, marriages, births, deaths, breakups, divorce, job loss or promotion, mental, emotional, and spiritual growth, and changes to and within our physical bodies will all impact how we view, feel about, and connect with ourselves. 

Sometimes these experiences will lead us on a journey of grieving who we once were and the life we had. This grieving process is needed and necessary for us to honor who we once were and move forward in peace into who we are becoming. 

How to Heal and Move Forward

Below are some tips to help you stop and honor who you once were and embrace who you are becoming. 

1. Acknowledge what feelings are present and allow yourself to experience what you are going through even if it feels uncomfortable, or you think you should be feeling something else. Your feelings are valid because they are normal, natural, and needed so honor them. Honoring and validating yourself will help you move forward. 
2. If need be, begin to practice self forgiveness. Work to let go of harsh self-judgments and blame without mercy. Allow yourself to give and receive self-compassion, be kind and patient toward and with yourself. Extend to your past self what you would to others you love in the same or similar circumstances. 
3. Identify what else is present with the grief. Are you angry, regretful, tired, overwhelmed, anxious, or afraid? What narrative have you attached to the changes that have taken place and the emotions that you are feeling? Examine these things to see what needs to be accepted and what needs to be let go of. Listen to your inner narrative to see if it’s a helpful one or harmful one, is it motivating or discouraging. What changes do you need to make to your internal narrative in order to move forward with peace and hope?
4. Be honest with yourself. Sometimes we get stuck because we don’t actually want to move forward but we want to go back because life was better or seemed to be better then. Explore that thought, if back then was better, what changed? Why did you have to stop, change, or give up what made it better? If you were to do what you were doing then would it be beneficial now?
5. Practice acceptance. This looks like identifying what is and is not in your control. It is accepting (tolerating) what you can’t change by letting go of it or by stopping whatever efforts or actions you’re taking in an attempt to continue to control or change what is, or what has happened.  Practicing acceptance is focusing on what you can change and putting the energy and effort into the actions that will bring about the desired outcome.
6. Practice extending to yourself compassion, patience, gentleness, and self love. This is very important because these actions lay healthy foundation for recovery.
7. Be intentional about the time you spend in focused prayer about what you are experiencing, thinking and feeling around the grief. The bible supports lamenting (passionate expression of grief or sorrow). The Lord actually encourages us to do so but not from a place of hopelessness and despair. (I Thess. 4:13) When it comes to feeling defeated and oppressed being able to tap into worship and gratitude will help to break you free from the weight of the grief. (Isaiah 61:3)

Part of life’s journey is loss, it’s unavoidable. Not all losses will be due to death, some will be due to change. The changes that we experience will sometimes cause us to lose who we once were. During this time of loss and afterwards we have a choice in how we respond.  The story that we tell ourselves about the change and loss, how we respond to it, and those we allow in this space with us will determine our mood and experience during this time. 

Grieving your past self is okay. It’s normal, it’s natural, and sometimes very necessary in order to move forward in a healthy and peaceful way. Give yourself permission to grieve you.

Journaling Prompts:

1. How do you know you are grieving your old self?
2. What are two or three things you miss about your old self and why?
3. What is one thing that you will do to honor your old self?
4. What is one thing that you will do to embrace who you are now?