Boundaries are the lines that we establish to mark what is and is not acceptable for us within relationships. Boundaries are the standards and restrictions we establish in determining who we are and who we are not and they are the things we put in place to take care of our body, soul, and spirit. Boundaries are needed for healthy and prosperous living.
Deciding to establish boundaries can be stressful and difficult because it requires a decision to be made about how and when we will show up in relationships and this requires confrontation. Confrontation has become a scary event because we’ve made it solely about conflict instead of communication. To confront means to face up to and deal with. To bring before so that dealing with it cannot be avoided. Confronting doesn’t always have to be hostile, argumentative, or aggressive. When it comes to boundary setting just like confronting we view it as a hostile mean thing when it doesn’t have to be. Setting boundaries can cause unpleasant emotional responses but healthy boundaries when honored and respected are not harmful. It’s the response to the boundaries and emotions that can be harmful. When we identify the need to establish boundaries it is not normally from a place of maliciousness. It’s normally because we are experiencing frustration and burnout from overextending ourself, abuse, control, manipulation, or in order to meet our own personal need for growth and peace.
We don’t establish boundaries or we delay setting them because of fear:
- Fear of rejection and abandonment
- Fear of being the cause of pain or other intense unpleasant emotions
- Fear of the changes that will occur
- Fear of retaliation or other responses of anger
- Fear of the other boundaries that will follow
This list of fears could go on and on as it depends on our personal life experiences. These fears surface from worst case scenarios that most times don’t actually play out and if they do the relationship needs to be re-assessed or ended anyway.
To overcome the fears we need to work to connect with and understand that emotional responses are automatic and normal and view emotions as indicators that provide us with information about ourselves. The next step would be to understand that we are not responsible for how others respond to the emotions they have. Give them time and space if needed without absorbing their emotions. Remember the reason that you decided a boundary was needed and remember that the discontentment, frustrations, anger, resentment, and overwhelm you’ve felt is because of the lack of boundaries.
When moving forward with communicating your boundary, be clear. State the need, request for change, or express the no or no longer without being wordy or apologizing for it. State what the consequence will be if the boundary is violated. Give space for adjustment, respect and accept that the other person is entitled to their emotions and responses just as you are.
When you establish a boundary, know that living forward and having a healthy relationship is possible after setting it. The outcome of how the relationship continues is a choice that all parties involved have to make.
Journal Prompts to help with further exploration of boundary setting:
- What area or relationship in my life needs boundaries
- What fear(s) is keeping me from establishing healthy boundaries
- What is my belief about telling others no
- My response to other people’s boundaries have been
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