Trauma and shame are deeply intertwined experiences that can have a major impact on mental health and well-being. Trauma refers to any disturbing or distressing event that causes intense fear, horror, disruption, or powerlessness. This can include experiences like abuse, violence, natural disasters, accidents, war, or other overwhelming situations. Shame is the intense feeling that there is something wrong or defective about who you are as a person. It involves a sense of unworthiness, disgrace, and self-judgment.
Shame often arises in response to trauma because traumatic events can attack a person’s identity and self-concept. When something disturbing happens, it naturally elicits feelings of humiliation, guilt, and self-blame. Questions and statements like “What did I do to deserve this?” and “There must be something wrong with me” often surface after experiences of shame. These shame-based reactions compound the distress of the initial trauma. Those who have shamed based experiences may blame themselves, withdraw socially, and struggle with chronic low self-esteem. Thus, shame plays a major role in trauma and healing from shame is critical for recovery. Overcoming shame is an essential part of the journey to regain self-acceptance, empowerment, and peace after trauma.
Shame VS Guilt
Shame is a painful emotion that is triggered when we feel exposed, inferior, or not good enough. It involves a sense of unworthiness and a fear of rejection. Unlike guilt, which focuses on specific actions or behaviors, shame focuses on one’s core self. Shame differs from guilt in the following key ways:
- Guilt involves feeling bad about something you did, while shame involves feeling bad about who you are. Guilt says “I did something bad”, while shame says “I am bad”.
- Guilt promotes reparative action, while shame often leads to withdrawal, hiding, and inaction.
- Guilt can be relieved through apologizing or making amends. Shame is not easily resolved, as it stems from deeply held beliefs about being flawed, defective, or unlovable.
- Guilt is focused on a specific behavior, while shame encompasses one’s whole self. Shame is a painful feeling that one’s entire self is unacceptable, bad, or not good enough.
- Guilt is viewed as a normal, healthy emotion. Excessive shame is viewed as toxic and detrimental to one’s self-esteem and overall wellbeing.
- Guilt takes on the narrative of this is what I did and shame takes on the narrative of this is who I am.
The Link Between Trauma and Shame
When trauma occurs, victims are often wrongly blamed for what happened to them. This instills a sense of shame in the victim, even though the trauma was not their fault. Sexual assault survivors in particular struggle with this victim blaming and resultant shame. Trauma inherently involves a violation of someone’s personal boundaries and sense of safety. Having one’s boundaries crossed can make the victim feel deeply ashamed, even though the perpetrator is the one at fault. Trauma often leaves the victim feeling powerless and unable to stop what was happening. This loss of control and agency can lead to shame. The victim feels shame for not being able to make the trauma stop. There is still stigma related to many types of trauma, including sexual assault, domestic violence, relationship betrayals and combat trauma. This societal stigma leaves victims feeling additional shame about what happened.
Healing from trauma requires working through and overcoming these feelings of shame that linger after the traumatic experience.
How Shame Intensifies Trauma
Shame can significantly worsen trauma and make healing more difficult. When people experience trauma, they often feel deep shame about what happened, whether it was abuse, an accident, or something else. This shame causes them to isolate themselves and avoid talking about or processing the trauma. They may withdraw from friends and family to hide their pain and shame. Isolation prevents people from getting the support they need to heal. Talking to others helps validate emotions, get different perspectives, and helps you to realize you’re not alone. Without this, shame festers. The silence and loneliness of isolation intensifies and increases traumatic symptoms like depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder.
In addition to isolation, shame also fuels negative self-talk and critical inner voices. People who feel shame about trauma often berate themselves with self-blame, guilt, and a sense of unworthiness. This toxic inner critic attacks our self-esteem and leads to depression. Negative self-talk also reinforces the sense of being damaged or different from others. These feelings make it harder to disclose trauma and seek help. Shame-based inner voices promote negative coping mechanisms like addiction or self-harm. People may turn to substances or destructive behaviors to numb their emotional pain and shame.
Shame creates significant barriers that can prevent healing from trauma. Two major barriers are avoidance of help or treatment, and difficulty opening up or being vulnerable.
Many people who experience trauma avoid seeking professional help or treatment due to feelings of shame about what happened to them. Shame also makes it extremely difficult to open up and be vulnerable with others. Shame makes you feel like you will be judged. Trying to keep the experience hidden can worsen its effects. Healing requires having the ability to be vulnerable and deep feelings of shame make this very difficult. Being able to open up to compassionate listeners is necessary to break free from shame and start healing.
Steps to Heal from Shame-Based Trauma
Healing from shame-based trauma requires compassion, courage, and commitment. Here are some important steps to take:
- Practice self-compassion
Shame often involves harsh self-judgment and feelings of unworthiness. Counteract this by actively practicing self-compassion. Speak to yourself with kindness, recognize and accept your God given worth, and grant yourself patience and understanding. Meditation, journaling, and practicing self-acceptance can help nurture self-compassion.
- Cognitive restructuring
Shame-based thinking patterns like blaming yourself or feeling defective can be changed through cognitive restructuring or changing the story that you are telling yourself. Identify problematic thoughts that are harmful and not helpful and replace them with truths that are kind in tone. Replace self-criticism with more realistic and kind perspectives and affirmations.
- Open up to trusted others
Shame thrives in secrecy. Opening up to trusted friends, family members, support groups, or mental health professionals can help break shame’s power. Voice shameful feelings and experiences out loud to release their grip and begin healing. Find safe, non-judgmental listeners who can offer empathy and validation. This takes away the control that shame has over you.
With intentional effort using compassion, courage, and commitment, shame-based trauma can be overcome. You are resilient and you deserve to heal. These steps can start you on that journey.
Conclusion
Trauma and shame often go hand-in-hand, feeding off each other in a vicious cycle that makes healing feel impossible. The key is to understand that you are not what happened to you, you are not the mistakes you made or the regrets you have. Shame is not inherent to who you are. Shame is an emotion tied to trauma, not your identity. With time and effort, you can separate past experiences from your self-worth.
It’s important not to lose hope, even when shame feels overwhelming. By connecting with your God given identity, focusing on wholistic self-care, feeling your emotions, expressing them in healthy and safe way, reframing negative self-talk, releasing yourself from the past, reaching out for help and surrounding yourself with supportive people, you can overcome shame, process trauma, and move forward in your life.
Journaling Prompts
- How is shame causing problems in your life and relationship with others?
- What thoughts and feelings do you most often have when you feel shame?
- How can you show yourself more compassion and acceptance?
- What has God said to you about your shame? Have you asked him?
Recent Comments