“I’ve lost myself,” “I don’t know who I am,” and “I never really found myself.”
These are words I’ve heard often from those who come to me for counseling.
These thoughts typically surface after a traumatic event or significant loss. When we’re faced with hardship, it’s normal to question our identity and purpose. Trauma and pain have a way of disrupting our sense of self. That’s why it’s important to understand what our identity is made up of—and to know that some parts of it will change as we grow, while others will remain steady and true.
What Makes Up Our Identity?
Our identity is shaped by many different elements—physical, psychological, and spiritual.
- Physical includes both external and internal traits like our body, DNA, gender, and race.
- Psychological refers to our mind, will, and emotions.
- Spiritual is the part of us that connects with God, meaning, and purpose.
Our values, beliefs, personality, and life roles also play a significant role in shaping who we are. Most of this development begins in childhood and expands as we grow. As we grow our identity begins to give us direction, purpose, and influences how we live.
Self-Identity
The question “Who am I?” is connected to our self-identity, which is how we see and assess ourselves after considering our make up and experiences.
Self-identity is our internal view of our values, beliefs, personality, physical traits, and life roles. It’s shaped by:
- How we were raised
- The attachments we formed
- Our life experiences—both good and bad
- Our personality
- And even how others see us
It’s from this place—our view of self—that we experience life, make decisions, and determine our behaviors. Understanding that some aspects of our identity will change and others will not is key to growth and healing.
The Unchanging Foundation: Identity in Christ
As Christians, the foundation of our identity is found in Christ.
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” —2 Corinthians 5:17
This doesn’t erase what we’ve been through or what lies ahead, but it is to shift how we navigate life’s challenges.
We are made in the image of God (Genesis 1:27), and that truth will never change. To understand our identity, we must first understand who God is. Studying Scripture and cultivating our relationship with Him is essential in answering the question “Who am I?”
One helpful practice is to make a list of who God says you are and review it often. Here are a few identity statements from Scripture to get you started:
- John 1:12 – Because I received Him and believe in Him, I am a child of God.
- Romans 8:1 – I am in Christ, so I am not condemned.
- Romans 15:7 – I am accepted by Christ.
- 2 Corinthians 5:21 – I am the righteousness of God.
- Ephesians 2:10 – I am God’s workmanship, created for good works.
- Colossians 2:10 – I am complete in Christ.
Other Aspects of Identity That Remain
In addition to your spiritual identity, consider the physical roles that are a part of who you are:
“I am an African American female. I am a daughter, a sister, and an aunt.”
Even if relationships change or are lost—or how you function in those roles shifts—the fact that you hold those identities doesn’t change. Acknowledging these foundational aspects can help ground you.
Another important aspect is your core values—the guiding principles that influence your choices, behaviors, and lifestyle. Knowing your values helps put language to who you are.
When Trauma Changes Us
Death, disappointment, betrayal, and other forms of trauma cannot change the image in which you were created, nor can they change your God-given identity. However, they can impact your psychological and spiritual self, which is often what causes us to ask the question “Who am I?”
Part of healing is giving permission and space for change. Change doesn’t mean you’ve lost yourself. It means you’re evolving. By leaning into your identity in Christ and your core values, you can remain grounded—even in challenging seasons and transformation.
Be Gentle With Yourself
Trauma changes how we view ourselves, others, the world, and even God. In times of pain and transition, it’s important to treat yourself with patience, kindness, and support. Let safe, trusted people walk with you through your healing. Share space with others as you process and ask the hard questions like “Who am I now?”
Embrace the Journey
Life is a journey, and along the way, you’ll uncover, rediscover, and redefine yourself many times—and that’s okay.
Asking “Who am I?” is a sign of growth, not weakness.
It’s not a question to fear—it’s one that invites insight, clarity, and direction.
When your life shifts—no matter the reason—revisiting this question can keep you connected to yourself, your identity, and your purpose.
Journal Prompts
- Spend time reflecting on Scripture. List out identity statements found in the Bible (e.g., child of God, accepted, righteous, complete). How do these truths compare to how I currently see myself?
- What parts of my identity have changed and what parts have remained the same? Think about physical, emotional, and spiritual changes over time.
- What are 3-5 values that are most important to you right now?
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